It's time to go

This is it.

I think I need to pour it all out. And so it begins.

I think I have taken crap from time to time. And I have been absorbing it and keeping it within. And not wanting to tell it cos it might affect relationship and friendship. So any unhappiness was kept within. I always have this fear of makin ppl angry, tryin to please ppl, being understanding. Giving benefits of a doubt. From time to time. And still doin it til this point of time. But enough is enough. Work has been hard. Hardly find any real friendship there. Just me and my struggles, and me keeping mum about it. Well, fine. Anyways the ppl @ work are only colleagues. So I can don't dwell so much into it. Have this feeling of getting chewed and spitted. Fine.

Anytime a friend or someone question me on things they are not even remotely understand, this puts me into a huge rage. Ignorance has a price. Where is the concern in this matter? They like to comment on something they dun understand. But where's the concern shown? Dun get me wrong. But there are ppl who are concern, and they show concern, the right way. They talk to you. They ask genuine concerning questions. And yes, they are not sacarstic. They dun make u feel like a lesser human being. C'mon, lets face it...i think to even begin questioning ppl abt certain things, I feel they should look inot their lives and look into themselves and reflect on their lives and question themselves about the way they live thier lives. Kinda make me think that these ppl are quite 'yaya' lor. Church ppl are a headache most of the time. They think they care but they continue to judge, or make ppl feel like they are been judge. Where is the love? Love doesn't comes in harsh tones or harsh words. U think bitter the better? Think twice when u want to approach ppl in bitter medicine. Sometimes you ain't no cure, but the Almighty One is. WWJD?

I have to be frank, but there are ppl who has spoken to me reflects kindness and the genuine want to help and understand things. Not that I have alot of mess that there are constantly ppl approachin me on that. No. Thses ppl, i truly appraciate. I feel respected and encourage by these folks.

My relationship. Goin strong. God has been a great part in our lives. We never left Him out of the picture. The mercy He has shown is great. We are forever grateful. Been talkin to Ying's mum, and have a greater understandin of her as well. We truly enjoy family life with her family, sometimes mine. Her kid sister and bro is such fun!! So is her dad, who is really funny and polite. And her mum and me are like best friend liao. We talk alot and have alot of mutual understanding. We hardly quarrel. We usually talk. She's such an easy goin person and she really listen when we are havin conversation. She's simple and understanding, and always take the effort to make things better and never raise her voice. Sometimes when I am down, she will take me by my hand and ease me. I guess shes the sweetest thing i have ever known. And i really do cherish her. Shes everything I have imagine a partner in life to be. She's simply..her. Thank God.

Jammings.
Got to be frank, but I want to stop jamming, soon. I have been thinking hard about it. We hardly really jam christian songs anymore. Things are messy. Esp when Weiyang left. But i understand he has his commitments, and i know i have mine. Its not cheap to jam too. I need to save and I am not enjoyin it as much. To make myself perfectly clear, i love music. But goin to jammings on every monday doesn't reflect my passion for music at all. The music at jamming is not somethin i want to do anymore. Church music is all i care. Perhaps i really don't want to play like last time. I like what i am playin for the service now, and i plan to stick to that. Back to my commitments, i think i want to spend more time on that. I know it's only once a week, but its been a dreading few weeks for me these while. If not for my students, i would just leave. Cos I am tired. And all that tension that has been building, relational problems, Polly's head been pushed(damn angry at that point)...i dun see God has anythin to do wif jammings anymore. In a way, thru my perspective, it is quite self-entertaining, self-focus, in many aspect during jammings. And i dun like it. I dunno why I am doin it, this jamming thingy. I dun understand it anymore.

So I rather be like Weiyang, when I can help, i will help. But at this age and this point of time, i think there are some things i should prioritise. I also feel there's certain dangers arise from our weekly jammings. Which is so unclear sometimes to what it really is. And i don't want Polly to go thru this either. I am beginning to think it's kinda unhealthy. Somthings are clear lah. If u see a dead-end, u detour. I appreciate some of the nicer stuff that happened during these few months, but there are also stuff i totally dislike.

I guess my work there are done. I feel like I have nothin more to give. And I am happy to see ppl playin music. And hopefully one day all these gift will be given back to serving God. And I am embarking on another music journey for myself. Yes i want to learn string instruments. And I have yet to begin actually. People have been encouraging me to step forth and learn. And it happen that I am not alone in this journey. Polly will be joining me for it, which is like another encouragement. I am not alone:)

It's time to go.